Succession: Made In Warsaw

The mega-hit HBO series has the world’s tele addicts hooked, but how would it play out in a Warsaw context?

---

Kerry’s Little Flat

Even in a series brimming with scathing insults and epic putdowns, there is nothing that competes with Marcia haughtily announcing: “We’re calling Kerry a taxi to the subway so that she can go home to her little apartment.” Ouch. But where would downtrodden Kerry live in Warsaw? Step forward Bliska Wola Tower (nearest metro: Płocka), a development that has become a poster child for “pathological” real estate development.

Falling under the regulatory 25 sq/m size requirements for flats, 157 micro apartments measuring from 18 sq/m have now failed to be certified by Warsaw authorities. Of course, it might also be possible to spot Kerry in the Keret House (Żelazna 74). Dubbed the world’s narrowest house, it’s just 92 centimetres at its thinnest point.

Connor’s Pub

“I’ll have whatever a regular Joe would have, just a Belgian weiss beer—not Hoegaarden.” So says Connor Roy on one of the few occasions we see the Succession stars actually daring to enter the normal world. Well, there’s good news for the Chief Conhead.

Were he ever to come to Warsaw, he’d find choice aplenty, not least in the New Town’s Elephant Belgian Pub (Freta 19). As a backup, we’d point him in the direction of Nowogrodzka – more specifically, to its craft bars: Jabeerwocky, Kufle I Kapsle and Drugie Dno. For these and more of Warsaw’s best craft bars, CLICK ME!

Roman’s Window

Of all the scenes that occur in the HQ of Waystar Royco, there is perhaps none more memorable than Roman – in one of his more degenerate moments – drawing the blinds of his cloud-high office before satisfying his animalistic urges all over a window.

Of course, there’s no shortage of prestige office projects in Warsaw, but it’s likely that Waystar Royco would think of nowhere else but the Varso Tower. Completed last year, and commonly marketed as the tallest building in the EU at 310-metres, it makes perfect sense that Logan would base his operations here.

Kendall’s River

Rife as Succession is with moments of high drama, nothing shocks more than Kendall careering into a river while high on a cocktail of booze and drugs. Could that happen in Warsaw? Damn right.

As recently as April police found a white van floating by Gdański Bridge – fortunately, there was no sign of a dead waiter inside. In film, too, the Wisła has seen auto related drama. A few years back, habitants were treated to the unusual sight of a London double decker bus plunging off Gdański Bridge as part of a stunt filmed for the Bollywood film Kick.

Tom’s Stag Night

Failing to make Prague, Tom & Co. end up celebrating the last of his freedom inside a licentious club seemingly hidden down a disused New York train tunnel. If Warsaw has anything like that, then we don’t know, but it does have something better: Luzztro (Jerozolimskie 6). Home to every vice going, this legendary murky den of techno-fuelled lunacy guarantees that all who leave do so looking like zombies at dawn.

Matsson’s Retreat

Warsaw might lack the majestic Nordic landscapes that make Lukas Matsson’s retreat so beguiling, but it can at least offer choices for an off-grid escape.

The personification of the Scandinavian concept of Hygge, My Treehome (mytreehome.pl) boasts a three-meter panoramic window and an XL-sized bed hoisted up high in a treehouse that counts its neighbours as herons, hawks and free-roaming horses. Found in Stara Miłosna, it’s extraordinary to think that downtown Warsaw is 20-minutes by cab.

Consider also the Bookworm Cabin (bookwormcabin.xyz), a snug split-level chalet crammed with books. Kendall, of course, would complain about its size, but there’s no faulting the serenity it offers. Again, you’re an Uber from Warsaw with the city centre just 40-minutes away.

Shiv & Tom’s Fight

Played out to the glittering skyline of NYC, the intensity of Tom and Shiv’s high-rise argument will for certain be remembered as one of the most powerful moments in recent television history.

Although it purports to take place in their triplex apartment, we’d have it viciously fought out on the terrace of Szóstka, the stylishly minimalistic restaurant found on the sixth floor of the Hotel Warszawa. Everything about it says Shiv and Tom.

Gregg’s Wardrobe Catastrophe

Before Gregg became as conniving as the rest, he was the show’s hapless comic relief – in the pilot, that meant him vomiting through a breathing hole while dressed as a lion mascot in a theme park.

We’re 100% confident that the Warsaw version of Succession would have him as the guy that dresses like a dumpling to encourage people to visit the Zapiecek restaurant (various locations, inc. Krakowskie Przedmieście 55 / Nowy Świat 64 / Piwna 34 / 36) – or ‘the bear guy’ that prowls around Pl. Zamkowy.

Logan’s Funeral

The penultimate episode may have seen The Grim Weeper (a.k.a. Tiny Tears) steal the show with his puppy-like whimpers at the pulpit, but it Logan’s casked presence still loomed large lying in state. The ceremony would, of course, have taken place nowhere but Warsaw’s St. John’s Cathedral.

Witness to some of the grandest chapter’s in the city’s life, from the coronation of King Stanisław August Poniatowski in 1764 to the swearing of the constitution in 1791 – and there’s the small matter of countless funerals. In fact, in its crypt you’ll find the tombs of Mazovian dukes, Poland’s last King, the country’s first President and other eminent figures such as the writer Henryk Sienkiewicz.

Would Logan have been entombed here though? We think not. It is Izrael Poznanski’s tomb in Łódź that bears the biggest similarity to that built for the Cat Food Ozymandias, but Powązki’s Avenue of Notables isn’t too shabby either, lined as it is with grand, striking graves of Poland’s most distinguished citizens.

Shop The Look

With entire blogs and magazine articles devoted to following the fashion of Succession, you’ll no doubt be wondering where you too can emulate the lead members of the cast. Vitkac (Bracka 9) would be the obvious starting point, and even more so if you’re looking for that Kendall Roy birthday outfit – after all, there’s nothing like a loud Gucci jacket to announce that you’re really rather special.

But, if nothing else, Succession has catapulted the popularity of ‘stealth wealth’. Ditch the ludicrously capacious bag and instead look for discreetly luxurious Roy family favourites such as Loro Piana and Brioni at Atelier Davide (Trzech Krzyży 10/14).

Live The Life

Finding the Warsaw equivalent of Logan Roy’s townhouse is a challenge given the bruising Warsaw received at the hands of the Germans. Even so, how’s this for a candidate: Foksal 13/15. Beautifully restored in recent years, it’s a place of splendid staircases, impressive portals and hand-forged balustrades.

Neither is it a stranger to the super rich. In the 30s the building was bought by Jan Wedel, the famous Polish entrepreneur and philanthropist, who redeveloped it and equipped it with modern amenities, such as Warsaw’s first panoramic lift.

As for the kids and their skyscraper condos, we seem them as residents of Helmut Jahn’s Cosmopolitan Tower. Looming over Pl. Grzybowski, this luxury development is edgy and exciting yet clean and classical – far removed from the crass vanity projects that have shaped the city’s skyline.

Eat The Part

Eating figures rarely in Succession – clearly, it’s something that gets in the way of the all-consuming business of backstabbing and betrayal. That said, there are a clutch of iconic food related scenes that could easily relate to Warsaw – excluding, that is, Gregg’s introduction to ortolan.

For example, we have a maniacal Tom tauntingly stealing Logan’s chicken – in Warsaw, this would not be enacted on a superyacht as per Succession, but in Kura (Nowolipki 15 / Branickiego 11 / Obrzeżna 3), the capital’s premier source of all things chicken.

And who can forget Logan ordering platters of lobster to be thrown away before roaring, “we’ll order f***ing pizza.” Rejecting the capital’s raft of fancy Neapolitan joints, we’ve no doubt he’d go for our top high street choice – Rucola (Francuska 6 / Miodowa 1 / Krucza 6/14 / Klimczaka 1).

Then, cast your minds back to when “the idiot kids” found themselves debating whether or not a peace offering of doughnuts had been poisoned. Supremely fun and tasty, the New York-inspired MOD Donuts (Paryska 37) would for sure be their Warsaw option of choice.

There is, however, nothing that compares with the absolute insanity of the ‘Boar on the Floor’ episode. As he attempts to weed out the traitor at the table, a crazed Logan forces underlings to crawl on the floor making oinking noises, all the while scrabbling for the sausages he throws.

In Warsaw, these sausages would be sourced from either the premier butchery in town, Mięsny (Walecznych 64), or ordered online from Darren at Ke Nako (kenakofoods.com).